12th Annual San Francisco Bay Dream House Raffle

Description

This card needs a lot of help. The design and excessive unclear copy is what is dragging it down the most. The imagery isn't awful, but the reader won't be able to focus on anything when there are 12 thing pulling their attention: bold font, highlighted font, colored font, multiple images, sectioned design, all caps copy, etc.

This card could have been a lot better if they would have stuck to one image (maybe house with ocean view) and had one clear headline promoting the raffle and multiple prizes. Flip to the back and there should be a clear direction on how to enter and a QR code that will list all the prizes.

***

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Copywriting

Similar to the design, there is too many things going on with no rhyme or reason. If you are the reader scanning this in 3 seconds you aren't going to get much out of it. You might see the "San Fransisco Bay Dream House Raffle" first, but then you are also seeing a Tesla picture that could be in a dealership ad.

The copy is excessive and confusing because it is not driving home one message. They could have had one headline as simple as, "Win Your Dream House and a Tesla!". But instead we are seeing "San Fransisco Bay Dream House Raffle", "Win This: San Francisco Bay Dream House or Choose $1,000,000 Cash", "Early Bird 1 Drawing", "2020 Tesla Model S..." you get the point.

Design

This design is pulling the reader's attention in too many directions. There is no common color scheme or overarching theme. There are three prizes on the front (house, $1,000,000 cash, and a Tesla), but they are spewed all over the front with no rhyme or reason.

To make it even worse, the call to action is blending in with the block structure of everything else making it very hard to locate off a quick glance.

This card could use some serious help.

Offer

So the offer is in the top right under the number and link. They have their ticket price listed along with the value packs. But what they are really selling is the "EARLY BIRD 1 DRAWING". They want people buying tickets ASAP. Did they make that happen? Maybe... but probably not. It's too confusing and unless you are really looking for your big break, you aren't going to spend more that three seconds reading into this card.

Key Takeaways
  • So you have a lot of offerings and want the readers to see that. What do you do? Not this. We know the house, cash, and Tesla are all super exciting, but this design and copy has no clear messaging which makes it difficult for the reader to focus. If the reader can't focus, your card is going straight into the trash.
  • It's better to have clear and interesting messaging on the front that draws the reader in and makes them want to flip to the back to read more. Then you can hit them with some of the other prizes or even a QR code that brings them to a virtual show room.
Description

It's a little better than the front, but definitely not a home run. There is too much copy that could have been seriously condensed (see copywriting section) and the design doesn't flow (too many colors, fonts, sections). The best thing the back side did was make the call to action fairly bold (top right section).

Copywriting

There is way to much copy here. The main points are "About the raffle", "About the dream house", and "Benifiting YBCA". Having those points listed makes sense, but not the amount of copy under them. Instead, under point one they could have only listed three biggest prizes and a link to see the rest. Under point two, cut out everything that people don't really care about: gourmet chef's kitchen, automatic blinds, skylights, low maintenance landscaping, etc. Use a high-quality image and let the reader's imagination handle the rest. The third point could be seriously condensed as well. Just add the mission and where they can find more information. People entering this raffle probably are only thinking about winning a house and car.

Design

This design is pulling the reader's attention in too many directions. There is no common color scheme or overarching theme. There are three prizes on the front (house, $1,000,000 cash, and a Tesla), but they are spewed all over the front with no rhyme or reason.

To make it even worse, the call to action is blending in with the block structure of everything else making it very hard to locate off a quick glance.

This card could use some serious help.

Offer

The offer is under the about raffle/dream house section on the right. It's not clear or condensed, but at least you can scan through it unlike on the front.

Key Takeaways
  • So you have a lot of offerings and want the readers to see that. What do you do? Not this. We know the house, cash, and Tesla are all super exciting, but this design and copy has no clear messaging which makes it difficult for the reader to focus. If the reader can't focus, your card is going straight into the trash.
  • It's better to have clear and interesting messaging on the front that draws the reader in and makes them want to flip to the back to read more. Then you can hit them with some of the other prizes or even a QR code that brings them to a virtual show room.
Copywriting:
D
Design:
D-
Offer:
D
Final Grade:
D
Copywriting:
D
Design:
D+
Offer:
D+
Final Grade:
D
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